Lost & Found

So I started a blog.

I was a little apprehensive to jump into this whole blogging world, but lately I feel that I can no longer keep the feels I am feeling to myself.  

I need to share!  

I want to write about my adventure and journey in deciding and becoming a teacher.  It's been a long, hard process, but one of the most rewarding I have found.  Which is why I pulled my title from the writings of the ever wise, J.R.R. Tolkien: 

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost." 

For the past 5 years, I've been in a constant battle if I'm in the right major.  My sophomore year I was accepted into the longest major on campus, which happens to be a double major in Music Education and Elementary Education.  I was hesitant to accept my acceptance, but I remember so vividly receiving an answer that I needed to be in this major.  I was excited to start, but throughout my whole first semester in the program, I found it hard to be motivated.  I didn't love it.  I didn't feel smart enough or talented enough to be in classes with a bunch of other music majors.  These feelings kept resurfacing for the next three years. I never knew how taxing, how strenuous, and how tiring this major would be.  I felt like I lacked a natural talent for teaching, and that I would never be able to teach as well as my peers. For so long I questioned if I was even in the right major.  

I just spent the last month teaching 4th grade at Art City Elementary and to say that I loved it is an understatement.  You know, I've really been wondering this whole time if I was in the right major, if I was good enough for it, and if I even liked teaching.  I was pretty nervous to start, but I can honestly say that I don't think anything has left me with this kind joy.  

The night before I started teaching the math unit I was in charge of I was really nervous. I wasn't sure if I would be able to execute my lesson, or meet the students' needs, or be eloquent enough for them to understand me.  After 11 PM I realized I just needed to be OK with it (I literally spent 24 hours planning the one lesson) and go to bed.  I pulled out my scriptures and looked up "fear" in the Bible dictionary. This led me to 1 John.  I don't think a scripture has ever affected me more.  My whole mantra before practicum started was to not be led by my fears.  I always let my fears limit me, and it was my goal to take heart and be confident in myself.  But what I loved about the scripture in 1 John was the line, "perfect love casteth out fear."

Wow. Something just totally clicked for me when I read that.  I needed to stop thinking about how I, MYSELF, could overcome my fears, but think about the kids I was teaching.  If I put THEIR needs first, if I thought about what they needed, then I wouldn't need to worry.  

I always have known that I have a pretty good ability to love, but I had no idea the strength, the capacity, and the spectrum of it.  I loved my 4th graders so much that I thought my heart would burst.  Through that love, I honestly can say that I had no fear.  I wish I could write all my feelings, but I am just so incredibly grateful to be starting a career that brings me so much joy and fulfillment.  I haven't felt the joy Ammon felt, but man, I feel like I've gotten close.  

My last day they gave me 4 group hugs - I mean, they attacked me with hugs! I almost fell over.  My mentor teacher was absolutely amazing and I think Heavenly Father knew I needed that kind of support.  

This experience has taught me MANY things, and here are some of them:

1. My students were the real teachers.  I learned so much from them.

2. Heavenly Father really does have a plan for me.  Even though I doubted this plan of me being in education, I can say without a doubt now that He really does know us more than we can even comprehend and He knew my strengths when I couldn't recognize them. 

3. The enabling power of the Atonement is REAL.  It enabled and empowered me with strength, love, confidence, and faith in not only the Lord, but myself. 

4. That there is no fulfillment like the fulfillment that comes from helping others. 

I was feeling a little lost before this experience.  Feelings of regret and doubt.  But the scripture really is true that says, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." 

And I found myself.